PPP169: Our Children Believe What We Tell Them

18Nov 2019 by Shelly Davis

Today’s episode was inspired by a quote I read in a book by or about Garry Marshall. I even took a picture of the quote but, of course, can’t find the picture. It was a picture of his grandfather waving outside an apartment window. Garry said, “My grandfather told me I was funny and I believed him.”

Listen to the full episode here

If you’re familiar with Garry Marshall, you may be as big a fan as I am. If you’ve not familiar with Garry Marshall, he directed several TV sitcoms in the 1970’s. The Odd Couple, Happy Days, Mork & Mindy. He also directed many romantic comedy movies like Pretty Woman  and The Princess Diaries.

I remember reading his book but I really remember that quote about the impact his grandfather’s words had on him.

My friend, Stephanie, shared a story with me about the band, Journey’s keyboardist Jonathan Cain. Cain said he was in California trying to get a career started in rock and roll. Things weren’t going well. He was out of money and, wondering if he should give up and move back to Chicago, called his dad. As he asked his father for some money, he also asked him if he should give up and come home. His father told him, “We’ve always had a vision, son. Don’t stop believing.” That single conversation became a massive hit that still makes us believe in ourselves all these years later.

I remember sitting next to my mother at church on a random Sunday night. A lady who knew my mom sat next to her and began a conversation. At some point, my mother introduced me to the woman. She said something like, “I knew she was your daughter. You both look so much alike.” to which my mother put her arm around my shoulders, smiled, and said, “Thanks!” In my preteen, insecure mind, it thrilled me that my mom was proud that we looked like each other.
 
I guess it seems silly, the impact that had on me, but it was and still is powerful. I’d be willing to bet that you are thinking of an instant from your growing up years, either good or bad, that still affects you today. Maybe a teacher at school told you to stop singing so loudly and you are still self-conscious about it to this day. Maybe your paper was read before the whole class as an example of how a good paper is written. Of all the things that are done and said to us, there are a few that stand out.
 
The words you use and the attitude you have toward your children is extremely powerful.

Which is better?

“You’re never going to learn to play piano if you don’t practice and I’m just wasting my money paying for lessons.” or “The more you practice, the easier it will be and the better you will sound.” Which would be more motivating to you? If you tell me I’m not going to succeed at a job, I often won’t even bother trying. Give me hope and I’ll at least try.
 
“She’s shy and doesn’t like to play in front of people. We won’t be at the recital.” or “We’re working on overcoming our fears. What can we do to prepare for the next recital?” One feels like a label or a fate that cannot be changed. The other acknowledges legitimate fear and helps empower our children to learn to deal with anxiety. Having a fear should not paralyze us.
 
“I have to buy another music book? You haven’t even played half the songs in the other one!” or “Another music book? What songs are in this one? I can’t wait to hear you play them!” Yes, piano lessons and music books cost money. Most books cost less than your Monday lunch hour and last much longer. If you have a true financial hardship, talk to your teacher about it. There are programs available, like MusicLink Foundation, for young musicians facing financial challenges.  If your teacher is like me, they not only receive donated music or have loads of used music. Talk to your teacher about your need. Do not put your child in the middle of a conflict. Ever.
 
“Stop playing! I can’t hear the TV!” or “Shelly, I think that’s enough practicing for now. It’s sounding pretty good.” I remember my dad saying something like this to me once. It was because he wanted to watch the news but instead of making me feel like the news was more important, he made me feel like I was making progress and could take a break for a while.
 
All of these pairs are saying the same basic thing but the outcome of each can be vastly different. Unfortunately, we are all more likely to remember an insult or a bad attitude than a compliment or a kind word. Psychologists call this a “negativity bias”.  We remember insults better than praise, believe bad news more than good news, react more strongly to negative events than good ones.
 
We parents must be very careful with the way we speak to our children. We never know what comment will leave a lasting impact.
 

Final Thoughts

Remember to keep your comments genuine and without over-the-top flattery. I read a quote from American theologian, R. C. Sproul that said, “Flattery is really an insult disguised as a compliment.” We don’t want to teach our children to become self-absorbed narcissists. We need to strike a balance between encouraging our kids and motivating them to keep learning and trying and getting up when they fail and going too far with our words.

“You worked really hard to learn this piece.” is much more genuine and helpful to your child than “You’re the best piano player in the universe!” For more ways to genuinely compliment your piano kid, listen to Episode 110: Ten Ways to Genuinely Compliment Your Piano Kid. 
 
I will have a new list of ten things in next week’s episode.

Thanks for listening!

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