PPP167: Our Kids Will Lie to Us - Piano Parent Podcast

04Nov 2019 by Shelly Davis

I don’t mean that title to sound as harsh as it does but I couldn’t think of another way to say it. As a matter of self-preservation I believe we are all capable of lying or only telling enough of the truth to make things easier on ourselves. Our children and teens are no different. In fact, they haven’t had the opportunity to learn from this mistake so they are likely to try it even more often and with more confidence.

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I don’t know many people, especially young people, who really latch on to responsibility and accountability. These things tend to come about through maturity and learning the consequence of lack of responsibility and accountability or the positive results that accompany being responsible and accountable.

We all doubt ourselves as we learn how to parent our children

I was listening to Dr. Kathy Koch’s new podcast, Episode 5 about marriage and children.

One of the mothers in the podcast told of her teenage son telling her that her parenting was cruel and unfair. She said she believed him and doubted herself but her husband did not believe the teen and reminded him they are his parents, not his friends.

I am so grateful for my own husband who can see through the defense mechanisms of our children and stand firm in our parenting decisions. My heart goes out to single parents who might not have that immediate backup and support. That is why I hope to encourage you today with this topic and with the recommendation of Dr. Kathy’s podcast.

I have often joked that Justin, our oldest son, fired me as his piano teacher when he was in the seventh grade. I think it was a combination of my lack of experience and his desire to be more independent. I had never parented a middle-schooler before and a lot of my piano students seemed to quite piano when they hit the middle school years. It makes sense, there are lots of other opportunities for preteens and teens with extra-curricular school activities. Piano often gets squeezed out. For Justin, I don’t recall a decision to stop piano, it just faded out of his schedule and I wasn’t determined enough to keep it there. Fortunately, he did pick up guitar and still plays to this day.

When Keri and Austin came along, either they enjoyed piano or the time we spent together or it didn’t occur to them that they had a choice about studying piano. They both studied with me until they graduated high school.

Now there is Tracy. She and I recently had a conversation many of you have probably had with your piano kids or may have in the future.

She wanted to stop piano lessons. I believed her. Duane had a different idea.

She is still learning to play piano from me but we are taking a very unconventional route. As long as she is under our care, we make the decisions about how she spends her time and for at least 30 minutes each week, she will be spending time at the piano with me. Once again, I am excited to see what I learn from her.

Maybe we're asking the wrong questions

You know the story. A mom walks in the kitchen to find her three-year-old standing by the counter. There are cookie crumbs on the counter top and around her mouth. The mom asks, “Did you eat any cookies?” Naturally, the three-year-old says, “No.” They know that is the right answer to avoid getting in trouble even though it is not the true answer.

Rather than setting our children up to lie and be defensive, we need to help them face the truth and learn to manage feelings when things are hard or don’t go their way.

Instead of asking if they have done their homework, maybe the two of you could go through their backpack together. This will inform all kinds of things from school grades to completed homework to notes from friends and/or teachers to their organization style – or lack thereof.

This trick works for me and shows my kids that I am not asking them to do more than I am willing to do myself. I will notice that the dishes need to be done and the trash needs to be taking out so I will ask Tracy which one she wants to do. I don’t ask her if she wants to do one of the other – the answer would be an honest, “No!” (Honestly, that’s my answer too but I have learned that I don’t like a house that smells because of stinking trash or moldy food on dishes.) Giving her a choice offers her ownership.

That can apply to piano too.

Don’t say, “Do you want to keep taking piano lessons?” ask, “What do you hope to learn this year during your piano lessons?” If you, as the parent, have decided that piano study is a priority in your home, don’t offer the possibility of an alternative. However, you can let them tell you they want to study jazz music instead of only classical.

Final Thoughts

I’ll wrap up by reminding you that you are doing a great job! I hope you and your spouse are on the same page with your parenting decisions and they you both support each other. If you aren’t, maybe this topic will help you frame your questions to your spouse differently.

If you are a single parent, you have my utmost respect and I hope to reassure you that you are a great parent. You love your kids and you are making the best decisions you can with the information you have. Today, I reminded you that your kids will try to make you think otherwise. They will try to make you think you are being unfair and cruel in your decisions. Do not believe them. That is their defensiveness trying to get them out what they see as hard work. Part of your job as their mom or dad is to teach them to work hard and to become responsible adults. Stick with it. All of us in the piano parent community support you.

Thanks for listening!

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